So Much Info So LittleTime
I have come to a different kind of “throwing up my hands”. It is more of an omission to myself that I don’t have the knowledge nor expertise to put together a “cancer cure”program. I admit I don’t know that.
We are faced with so many answers to John’s cancer. Whether it’s a friend that shares what they read on a cancer cure or even the access I have myself to articles, summits, webinars, on natural healing. All interesting, some frustrating, many financially undoable. The mega blah blah blah of the airwaves.
However, I’m not responsible for John’s death. But I do have the privilege to assist his living. His quality of living. For one minute one day at a time. In those moments or hours of pain to reach out and use my hands to administer the treatments. Like oil rubs carefully massaged to his aching back and feet. I know how to do that! I can do that! I know it puts him in a state of much-needed relaxation.
I offer him my half of our failing memories dedicated to remembering what is important for him. One minute, one day.
I forget sometimes that a delicious bowl of bone broth is soothing. I can make that.
Oh but wait, I should be pouring over some herbal formulation and get him on a schedule and let those babies do their magic, maybe. I agonize over what if’s and if I don’t get this right.......then what??
Meanwhile while I sweat about it outside my window, in my yard, blowing in the breeze are the green nurses and doctors pleading pick me pick me. This minute, this day. That’s all we’re asking. I can do that. I know how.
And in the morning we meet in a happy healing zone of togetherness. Discussions, reading a book together. He is in His most comfortable chair and I in my sunny corner working on hand work. Listening, learning, enjoying a cup of coffee where the making of it has become an art, a ritual to please him. I can do that, I know how! In that minute, In our day.
I feel like I am emerging through the fog to a brighter place where things are clearly simple. Emerging with my common sense and rational intuition of some age old knowledge. And mostly permission to be a part of his minute by minute daily healing of the spirit as he sees his frailties more clearly, and he physically experiences them and I no longer tell my natural healer to give way to all the other voices. I can do that. I’m learning how!
After all, my knowledge was gained through many teachers in my life. The best teachers however really know how to minister healing to our spirits. Because we live one minute, one day, eternally.
I think in all of this we all go through a type of psycho chemo. The treatment sets us back in that contemplative chair and the drip drip drip of chemicals spread out to treat the “cancers” we have in the hidden corners of our being. My being.
This is a place in time for us that any toxins in our relationship need to take a backseat and get out. Wish I had realized it sooner.
Why are disagreements sometimes more intense than ever. And at times heartbreaking. As if this isn’t heartbreaking enough. But if we survive it we draw closer, we heal and real living takes place. Hold on. The race isn’t over.